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Monday, October 08, 2012
Published December 28, 2011
“They Don’t Know That Bible”
by Nathan’ette Burdine-Follow
Gwen, Hazel Mae, and Lidda Mae are in the
Hazel Mae-Hand me that bowl up there.
I have to make my own crust. I
don’t buy those crust out of the store. I
make it the way my mama use to.
Gwen-The store’s are already made.
Hazel Mae-I don’t know what those people
put in that crust.
Gwen-It’s less time consuming.
Hazel Mae-That’s the problem with people
nowadays. They don’t like to take
their time with stuff. They want
folks to do things for them. They
can’t think for themselves because they don’t do things for themselves.
(She looks up at the TV. She
then puts on her glasses.)-You see that Rick Perry fella right there.
He’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about.
He’s sitting up there talking about being a Christian and getting those
preachers to back him. All of them
are going to hell with gasoline drawers on.
Too many of these people running around here thinking they can speak for
Jesus. You see, I tell people all
of the time, “Church ain’t
nothing but a social gathering. You
don’t need to treat it as anything else.
If you want to know that bible, pick it up and read it yourself because
you may come out with something different than what the preacher is saying.”
I don’t let nobody tell me what’s in that bible.
You have to read things for yourself, honey chile.
Gwen-I know that’s right.
Hazel Mae-He probably goes to church for
Lidda Mae (walking into the kitchen)-Whodatdere?
Hazel Mae-When did you get here Lidda Mae?
I thought you were coming tomorrow.
Lidda Mae-I got in last night. I see Cricket and them are out there on that porch.
Hazel Mae-That’s where they be at half the
time. The other half they’re on
that fish creek. You moving down
Lidda Mae-I’m doing fine in Georgia.
You know y’all are going to fall into that ocean one day.
Hazel Mae-That’s what your mama said some
seventy years ago when y’all up and hall tail away from here.
Gwen-Why do I keep thinking you’re up
there in New York somewhere?
Lidda Mae-I don’t know.
Why do you keep thinking that?
Gwen-I don’t know.
Lidda Mae-I don’t know either. You know they got rid of that young fella up there in New
Cricket walks into the kitchen. He gets a bowl of oysters.
Cricket-Y’all boy told DP that he was
gonna have to hall ass after DP told him about all of that racism he’ll be
going through. Obama was as mad as
a gator on a hook. I tell you the
truth. He couldn’t keep DP there
telling the white folks about his other half.
And to top it off, he tried to hide the real reason for getting rid of DP
by telling him, “Uhhhh, you need to step aside.
Your poll numbers are dropping.” But
he didn’t say anything to Corzine up there in New Jersey.
And now look at Corzine, he’s head deep in shit.
What did he tell those people, “I don’t know where over a billion dollars
of that money went.” I said,
“Fool you must be on that pipe thinking that somebody believes you
don’t know where your company’s money has gone.”
Man, if I see a dollar out of my account, I’m gonna find it.
Somebody’s gonna give me back my money.
But naw, Obama didn’t want to support DP. But now look at him, all that DP said is coming true and
Obama’s poll numbers are dropping faster than a hooker’s drawers.
Gwen-I heard that DP’s daughter whupped
some boy’s ass. She cut him or
did something to him, after he tried to choke her down.
Cricket-You see, that’s what I like about
DP. You ain’t gonna whup DP’s
ass and he taught that girl that. What
DP told her, “Baby, cut his ass if he puts his hands on you.” That’s what I tell mine.
Everybody got to go to sleep sometimes, but she cut him while he was
awake. That’s how you stop
domestic violence, put it right back on them.
That’s my boy there, DP.
Lidda Mae-Who did you vote for, Cricket?
Cricket-My money votes for me. They don’t do what I want them to do, I’ll cut my money
from them faster than Progressive Energy cuts off a broke man’s lights.
Gwen (to Hazel Mae and Lidda Mae).-Watch
this. I thought you liked Herman
Cricket-That Uncle Ruckus Mutha….let me
go. Y’all done took my appetite.
I don’t even want my punch anymore.
Gwen (to Hazel Mae and Lidda Mae).-I
knew that would get him out of here.
Nate-Hey, what’s going on in there?
Cricket-They’re talking about Uncle
Ruckus’ nephew. I had my mouth
already for some oysters and punch and they started talking about that mutha…. He sitting up there talking ’bout, “You need a leader and not a reader.” That no reading, writing, rainbow having mutha… he
couldn’t lead a dog to a bone. He
sitting up there talking about he’s a gospel singer.
I said, “Who you suppose
to be, Rev. Paul Jones, because you’re making everybody complain about you."
You know no black folk were gonna vote for that fool.
He was sitting up there sounding like a street corner preacher with shine
in one hand and the bible in the other talking ’bout 9-9-9.
I said, “Aw hell, won’t
nobody be blessed and highly favored and everybody’ll be coming up the rough
side of the mountain with a heavy load.”
Sitting up there talking that ole bull, 9-9-9.
His wife made him get out of that race.
I know she did. You know
black women, “You ain’t gonna be embarrassing me here with all this
whoshawjohn you doing. You don’t
want me to be like fish grease and get to popping all up in here.”
You know how they do.
Joe-Yeah, but those women folk wanted to run
you out of there.
Cricket-Somebody going back in there to get
those oysters ?
Hazel Mae (to Gwen).-Go on and take
that out there to them. Cricket is
about to drive me crazy. He’ll
sit up there all night talking about those oysters.
Get those crackers and take them to him too.
Gwen gets the oysters and the punch and
takes it outside.
Cricket-I sho’ do thank you baby.
Gwen-I know you do.
Cricket- Just sit it down there. God is good.
Gwen-…all the time.
Cricket-…and all the time.
Gwen-God is good.
Cricket you don’t go to church unless it’s the Look Out, Easter, or
Cricket-…but I go.
Hazel Mae (to Gwen).-What did he say?
Gwen-“I sho’ do thank you.”
Hazel Mae-Maybe that’ll keep him calm for
Lidda Mae-Aisha was over there in Texas, but
she moved to Atlanta a year ago. She
said that her taxes kept going up. Every
week they were going up. Ray owns a
construction company over there in Houston.
He’s had to give a lot of money in order to make money.
She told Ray not to be giving her money to that scoun.
She said that her pocket book was on a P.T.D diet, Perry, T.D. Jakes diet.
She stopped that fool before they all put her in the po’ house.
Hazel Mae-I heard about that. T told me about that.
Gwen-Apparently it’s true because that
doctor fella, Ron Paul…
Lidda Mae-He’s still living?
Gwen-He’s still living.
Lidda Mae-He was catching babies back in
Gwen-Well he’s catching taxes now. Paul was too scared to say anything about Perry's bad
governing because he thought his
taxes would go up. I said,
“I guess he better not say anything than.
I don’t want his taxes to go up.”
Lidda Mae-I told her it’s no different
over here in Georgia. Over here you
got Deal, Creflo Dolla, and Eddie Long. You
know Eddie Long is going to hell with gasoline drawers on, nasty bastard.
Hazel Mae-I heard about that.
Lidda Mae-Everybody heard about it.
I said, “Honey chile, you
ain’t got no business with anybody but your wife in your bed.
What are you doing with those babies?”
He got every picture but one of Jesus and the cross on the church’s
wall. He’s standing up there like
he’s God’s favor.
Gwen-The Lawd didn’t tell him to do that.
Lidda Mae-That’s what I said. The Lawd didn’t tell you to run around here with a harem of
little boys’ asses. I said,
“If you want to do that, go and find yourself some grown men.”
He’s standing up there in muscle shirts.
I said “Who is this here
advertising for. You got a woman. What are you doing honey?”
And then that other one, Creflo Dolla.
I don’t trust anybody with currency as part of their name, you know
they’re not right.
Hazel Mae-I heard his real name is Michael
Gwen-That’s what I heard.
Lidda Mae-And that right there let’s you
know he’s not thinking about anything but money.
That damn fool is so in love with money that he changed his name to
money, Dolla. At least he knows his
worth, a dollar. Bastard.
He’s not Creflo Thousand or Creflo Million.
He’s Creflo Dolla. He said, “I ain’t like the po’ country preacher helping
his congregation get by.” He’s
such a damn fool that he doesn’t even know he’s sitting up there admitting
he’s doing wrong. The preacher is
there to help his congregation get by, but Dolla is there so his congregation
can help him get by on their money. Just
look at that chariot he’s rolling in on.
He ain’t sitting on dubs. He’s
sitting on tubs. He’s talking
about he deals with Tony Blair and George W. Bush.
That’s exactly why they investigated his shady ass for tax evasion.
He's sitting up there basing the value of his soul on man’s definition of
worth and not God’s definition. He’s
going to hell too with gasoline drawers on.
I never did like his ass anyhow.
Gwen-They’re all shady.
Lidda Mae-Yes they are.
Aisha said that she told Ray they weren’t getting in that mess again.
I didn’t say anything to her, but you know, that’s how things work in
politics. That’s why you get an X when you cross politics and
religion. The two together don’t
do anybody, but the devil, any good. They
have those charlatans in the church. I
tell you, the devil comes in many forms.
Gwen-I heard Perry was over there in
Virginia at Jerry Falwell’s church.
Hazel Mae-Let me tell you something honey,
all of those preachers claiming to be men of God ain’t nothing but men of
profit. Everything they talk about
is contradicted by the one fact that can’t no man speak for God. How are they going to speak for God and be His voice when
they’re not God? You’re gonna
speak for God and you can’t even speak for yourself.
What type of mess? Chile, I
tell you. And this Rick Perry fella
here isn’t working with a full deck upstairs.
That’s probably why he needs those preachers down there. Rick Perry’s so crazy he would’ve sacrificed Isaac and
told his wife that the ram in the bush was the new Isaac. That fool would’ve said, “Alright Rick.”
And she would’ve taken the ram to everybody and told them,
“This here is the new Isaac.” The
Lawd would’ve been sitting up there like, “This fool here done killed this
chile. I tell you the truth.
He done gone and jacked up all my plans.”
That fool would’ve stood there and said, “I did good, huh Lawd?”
The Lawd would’ve been so mad He would’ve thrown up His own hands.
I tell you the truth. Rick
Perry would make the devil fall down and ask the Lawd to have mercy on his soul.
Gwen-Bear’ll vote for him if T.D. Jakes is
Hazel Mae-I don’t think T.D. Jakes will be
Gwen-Bear be quoting T.D. Jakes all the
time. He and Tam go on those
retreats T.D. Jakes be having. I
said, “Aw hell, T.D. Jakes
ain’t doing nothing but taking y’all’s money.”
Hazel Mae-That’s all he’s doing. But, I don’t think Bear’ll be voting for Rick Perry.
I haven’t heard about T.D. Jakes supporting that.
Now that other fella, C.L. Jackson, that fool is supporting that, but not
T.D. Jakes. Un-uh.
Then that preacher Perry had up there, Tom Jeffries.
I said, “Now, how are you
going to be a Christian and a Chile of God when you’re sitting up there
talking about another Christian?” I don’t care if that boy is Mormon. He says he believes in the blood of the lamb, then that’s
what he believes in. It’s no
different than you. I said,
“Honey, you don’t define God, God defines you.”
If this here isn’t some mess, Christians discriminating against other
Christians. Jesus is gonna have to
get back up on the cross. You see,
man’s problem is that he separates his duty to God from his duty to himself.
Man is selfish. And the kingdom of man reigns higher down here than the
kingdom of God. Man’s earthly
duty to himself often gets in the way of his spiritual duty to God. Let me tell you, man is fallible and God is not.
Because man is fallible, he tends to let his earthly duty guide his
spiritual duty to God. He thinks he
can define what it is to be spiritually connected to God.
The problem is that he is letting his definition, and not God’s
definition, guide him. And this is why you end up with fools like Robert Jeffries,
Creflo Dolla, and Eddie Long. Y’all
remember when Jimmy Swaggart went tip toeing across Ventura BLVD after being with
Lidda Mae-What did he say, “I’ve
Gwen-Didn’t he pay that woman her money?
Lidda Mae-I don’t think he did.
Gwen-Well, he did sin.
He should’ve given that woman her money for that work she did.
Hazel Mae-But you see, that’s why I
don’t pay any tides and offerings. That
money gives them a gold crown and their congregation is their kingdom.
And they think all of that makes them God. I said, “Honey, your crown is made of the wrong gold.”
The Lawd builds His kingdom with spiritual currency.
His kingdom is too high for man to reign in.
That’s those preachers’ problem.
They think that they can reign here as God and get a free pass into
heaven. That ain’t how it works,
honey. Your worth is measured by
the worth of your soul and not the worth of your gold.
They know not to bring that collection plate to me.
Deacon Johnson came over talking about, “Mother, we need your help
raising money for the food drive.” I
said, “What food drive. Y’all
starting a McDonalds? Y’all jokas
in this mult-million dolla neighborhood with me talking ’bout somebody over
here needs food. If you want a food
drive, then get in your car and drive to where some food is.”
I told that young fella, Bishop McDaniel, ’bout that mess.
I told him that if he needed some money, just ask, but don’t ask me.
I got bills to pay and I already pay enough tides and offerings to the
county, state, and federal government. They
done took all my money. He said,
“Ok, Mother Hazel.” I told him
that he doesn’t need to be doing that “bottoms” mess and trying to get
money through a food drive. You
know how over there at the bottoms they have a building fund and be using that
money to send the preacher on a trip.
Gwen-Rev. Davis is over there and they send
him on a trip every year to the Bahamas.
Lidda Mae-Ain’t he from the Bahamas?
Gwen-Naw, he from up North there.
Lidda Mae-Oh, I thought he was from the
Bahamas. You know a lot of people
up North there are from the islands. I
said, “How did all of those
colored folks get up there?”
Gwen-I guess they took the bus.
Lidda Mae-I guess they did.
Hazel Mae-I tell you the truth. Some of these people will make Jesus climb off the cross.
If these preachers weren’t preaching, they’ll be pimping.
Lidda Mae (laughing).-Ooh Jesus!
Lawd have mercy.
Hazel Mae-You know I’m telling the truth.
Man is fallible. He’s not God. Let
me tell you what religion does, honey. Religion
is the opium easing that one human fear, not existing.
Hear me out now. Man needs to know he will be, even after he has exited this
vessel. Man’s ultimate goal is to
exist. Religion gives him that.
Religion gives him hope of existing beyond this plane.
Those preachers know that and those politicians know it too.
That’s why they lash on to those preachers. Listen to those politicians.
I can help you to exist. I’ll
keep your laws, your beliefs in tact. Under
me, you’ll have prosperity. You
can’t have a fool in there talking about protecting the country.
They’ll sell the country for a copper penny.
These fools know that without the proper shield they’ll be shown to
even the biggest dummy. Because you
know, even a jackass will stop and say, “Something is wrong here.”
These preachers help to keep wool over people eyes.
Those preachers stand up there like they’re God’s speakers box.
What do they say, “God spoke to me and said it’s in His plan for this
man to be the next president.” Aw
hell, God ain’t tell me that. What
is it about you that makes God want to talk to you?
Honey, like me, you’re made of flesh and bones and nothing but blood is
flowing through your veins. You’re
not yet in that purist state. We
don’t need these preachers trying to get into our business.
Just like I don’t want the government in my business, I don’t want
the church in my business. So
it’s no need to try and convince me that God is speaking to you.
Gwen-I know that’s right.